I noticed that this blog had started getting search engine referrals so I went to google and ran a vanity search to see where it ranked.
One of the links google returned was for this whitepages.com page full of statistics on my last name.
I don’t know if I should be flattered or frightened.
On March 16th the state of Iowa raised the cigarette tax $1.00 per pack. Being a chain-smoker with limited funds, I suggested to a friend that we get some cigarettes from the nearby Indian reservation. They don’t get taxed, right?
So we made what was supposed to be a 45 minute trip to Tama, Iowa where the Meskwaki tribe has a reservation and casino. Taking the scenic by-way and a few wrong turns added a little time to the trip, but it was a nice afternoon for a countryside drive.
We passed the casino and pulled into a gas station just as a Meskwaki Nation police cruiser was leaving the pumps. This is it.
I requested a carton of Winston full-flavor kings from the attendent. He rang up the purchase.
I didn’t really know if I was getting a deal or not. I didn’t know what a carton of Winstons went for before or after the tax increase. One thing did strike me as odd though: they charged me sales tax.
While Tim was getting his smokes I went back to the car. I opened up my carton and inspected a pack. It had the Iowa tobacco tax stamp printed on the cellophane. Damn.
Today I stopped by the HandiMart just a few blocks away from where I live. They sell cartons of Winstons for $38.87.
So we failed to stick it to the man, but it was a fun afternoon road trip. Still, what am I going to do about the rising cost of cigarettes? Quit smoking?
No, I think it’s time to buy some loose tobacco and dust off the old cigarette machine.
Have you ever had a watermelon tootsie roll? How about blue raspberry?
When I was kid you could get tootsie rolls in banana-berry, sour green apple, grape, smooth cherry, blue raspberry, fruit punch, pink lemonade, strawberry, and watermelon. The local drug store sold them at a penny a piece.
One day I bought a small handful of tootsie rolls while my mom was getting a prescription filled. I was charged exactly one penny for every tootsie roll, no sales tax.
“Why wasn’t there any tax?” I asked the lady at the drug store who also happened to be my neighbor.
“There’s no sales tax on purchases under ten cents.”
I walked away thinking about the possibilities.
One summer day, bored and unsupervised, my sisters and I emptied the house of all spare change and made our way down to the drug store for a sugar fix. I told my sisters about the ten cent rule. We devised our plan.
We counted out a tootsie roll for every penny in our pocket. Then, each taking turns we approached the register with nine tootsie rolls. The plan was obviously to buy them, make another trip to the candy isle for nine more, and repeat as necessary until every penny was spent. I think we each got two, maybe three turns in before the drug store clerk had had enough with our nine cent transactions.
“You kids are cheating the government!” She yelled at me as I approached her with nine more pieces.
Thinking she was merely giving us a hard time for our clever ploy, I flashed her a smile. When I saw that she was serious, I laughed out loud. We left the rest of the tootsie rolls piled up in the candy isle and went home. Our sugar fix wasn’t nearly as good as the adrenaline rush we got from cheating the government.
Two weeks ago I met a girl at a party. We hit it off, talking with each other most of the night. The last conversation we had was on the dark patio, smoking cigarettes. She mentioned she was thinking about going home, and watching old movies alone. I asked her about old movies. She mentioned, again, something about going home, and watching old movies.
I don’t remember what happened. I must have said something completely random, then I probably stubbed out my cigarette, and stumbled back into the house. You see normally I am clueless, and at that time, I was also very drunk.
But the next day, I could still remember her first name, as well as two classes she’s currently enrolled in at the University. One of them has only one section, once a week.
On Monday I asked my boss for Wednesday afternoon off. When she asked why I needed it off, I was totally unprepared to give a polite lie.
“It’s embarrassing,” I told her.
She prodded a little, I just shook my head.
Word spread through the office, and soon it seemed everyone wanted to know why I was taking the afternoon off. A few people even compiled a list of Top 10 Embarrassing Reasons Andy is Leaving Early:
10. Going to purchase a 1978 Gremlin–feels it will go over well with the ladies.
9. Taking his computer to get fixed, unable to do it himself.
8. Has appointment to get his back waxed.
7. Leading a ‘Teens Against Tobacco’ meeting.
6. Has an accordion lesson.
5. Court appearance for public urination charge.
4. Doctor’s appointment for an STD.
3. Seeing tax adviser about long form filing because he is old.
2. Doctor’s appointment for enlarged prostate.
1. Paternity test, hoping to clear his good name!
They asked me which one was the closest to the real reason. I told them probably number ten, or number four, but both are pretty far off.
Wednesday afternoon I stayed home. I was afraid she might get creeped out by me, or that something might give me away. I ended up telling some of the girls at work why I took the afternoon off, and they all agreed that it wasn’t creepy, and I should have done it. Now I kind of wish that I had.
Greetings from Iowa. We are currently a disaster area.
Roughly 53,000 Iowans are still without power from last week’s ice storm. A handful of people I work with just got their power back on within the last 48 hours. I was quite impressed with how vigilant they all were about it. None of them complained much. They just told a few stories about hotel rooms or staying with friends. One family stuck it out in their home with nothing but blankets and kerosene lanterns- they didn’t even have hot water to shower with. She even expressed sympathy for the utility workers out in the cold. I really hope tonight’s storm doesn’t knock their power out again.
Current Road Conditions from the state DOT (as of 8pm CST):
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